Bush shouldn't shop in France

Subtle- too bad the French don't actually wash their clothes so will never see it. From Reddit. Consider it a holiday gift. Enjoy.

Time hates communists, loves you

So as you have all heard by now, either because you have seen the actual magazine or because you've read the 9000 blogs that made fun of it, Time magazine chose "you" as its person of the year. Well, apparently, "you" were not the winner of the online poll. It was Hugo Chavez, leftist Venezuelan leader, seen above on the right pictured next to another U.S. favorite. While I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that because of this post my blog will be added to the CIA's favorites list, and not because they like my witty insights into modern media and early 90s tv show updates, I thought it was important you knew about this. The Time poll is still up and you can see it here, but to summarize Hugo Chavez got something like 35% of the votes, which was significantly more than anyone else, including - well-- you. So anyway I guess Time decided to just go ahead and ignore public opinion and pick "you" although "you" did nothing but sit on your fat ass, eat Pringles and look at pictures of various exposed celeb private parts all year while Hugo Chavez went about slowly transforming South and Latin America into a seething pot of anti-American, labor union-loving anger. Yeah you just continue spending 3 hours a day selecting your Myspace background pics, Chavez will be busy picking a red scarf to match his hat, but I guess Time couldn't care less because it's what "you" do that really matters.

Newsweek thinks Americans like Jesus more than women

To the left are the covers of Newsweeks from this week for Europe, Asia and Latin America. Above is the cover in the USA. Do you see something different? Do you maybe see that the international editions all have powerful women from each of the three continents on it while the US edition has Jesus? Don't you think that's a little strange? I'm not saying there's a conspiracy, all I'm saying is that Newsweek thinks that continents where women are forced to inject their butts with fat to look more beautiful and continents where geishas are still considered a valid form of entertainment for a business dinner are more progressive than the U.S., where it is apparently a cartoon Jesus that sells magazines. You decide for yourself if that's an insult but Newsweek is pretty sure that if you had a choice between Jesus and a hot successful woman, you'd choose Jesus. By the way, I already decided and I am moving to Africa where I'll start up Newsweek, Africa which is conspicuously missing from their "international editions" and it's going to have Nelson Mandela and/or Angelina Jolie and/or one of her African children on every cover.

Real French people scare Japanese tourists

MSN had a charming article last week that had a certain je ne sai quoi- oh I know, questionable veracity. So anyway MSN is reporting that apparently Japanese tourists have this thing called "paris syndrome" which is basically shock at seeing that the real Paris does not live up to what they imagined it to be.[MSN] It seems Japanese tourists are expecting hospitality, elegance and cleanliness and instead they get smelly pits, smelly pits and berets. Anyway so you laugh, but this actually requires treatment and in past years, tourists have had to be "repatriated" because they were convinced microwaves were attacking them or believed themselves to be Louis XIV (the sunk king). Don't worry, though, apparently a third of all patients recover almost immediately upon repatriation. This all seems very strange to me, Japanese people seem like smart enough people, as a race- they have Sony, samurais and sushi. Yet this article is telling me that they literally go insane upon the realization that Paris is full of smelly French people with a baguette and a cigarette hanging out of both sides of their mouths? I don't buy it. I think the Japanese are faking it and their ultimate goal is to make sure fois gras is outlawed and sushi rules the world! Oh...wait.

Out of this World and into 7th Heaven

All right friends, time for another early 90s sitcom update. I write about the oft forgotten but nevertheless good "Out of this World" starring Evie Garland who is half alien (her father is the alien one) allowing her to freeze time by pressing the tips of her fingers together and "gleep" fake objects into existence. Evie is joined by Donna Garland, her mother, Mayor Applegate and Chris her surfer boyfriend. I bet you didn't know that the voice of Evie's alien father was Burt Reynolds! In fact you couldn't have known because Burt Reynolds requested that his name be left off the credits because he was only a doing a favor to the directors. The show ran from 1987 to 1991 and it was a good show- yes, it was annoying never getting to see Evie's father and Donna could be unnecessarily whiny sometimes but all in all it was a good premise and an entertaining cast of weirdo characters. Where are they now? Well as the cheesy title of this blog would imply, Evie, real name Maureen Flannigan played Matt's girlfriend on a couple seasons of the Aaron Spelling god-loving hit show 7th Heaven- she had short hair but looked exactly the same and Evie's boyfriend Chris, real name Steve Burton has really hit it big playing a regular on General Hospital as Jason Morgan (and coincidentally, or not? Evie's mom, Donna has also been in a couple of stray episodes in the early 2000s). Obviously this show must have also been the inspiration for Sabrina the Teenage Witch, starring Clarissa because it's almost the exact same premise but with some added estrogen thrown in. Anyway I think that covers it, admit it you're nostalgic too for the days when neon pink lights and leather jackets with studs were basically the zenith of special effects and plaid shirts over turtlenecks were ultra cool. Ahh the early 90s- I can't get enough.

Farts require emergency plane landing

People, this is just too damn funny. CNN is reporting today that an American airlines flight was forced to land after one of its passengers farted and then attempted to cover her farts by lighting a match. Passengers and crew became concerned after they smelled sulfur (unclear if from match or fart) and the Dallas bound flight was diverted to Nashville, where it landed safely. [CNN] The woman with an "unspecified medical condition" who was the source of the farts and the ill-conceived cover-up plan was not allowed back on the flight but managed to escape without formal charges. Not sure what those charges would have been "illegal fart and burn"? and also I was not aware that it was a medical condition to fart on flights. (yeah you call that doctor to make an appointment, you know you want to)

Barbie plays to win

Out of curiosity what the hell does this look like to you? Does it look like a doll? Well obviously you're running in the wrong circles because this is a remote control. Yes, my un-tech savy readers, apparently in a desperate effort to compete for shelf space with the much more popular "Bratz" the Barbie people have created this little fairy creature that doubles as remote control. [Newsweek] It's called, and get ready for this: the Fairytopia Magic of the Rainbow Barbie and its little torso has an infrared transmitter that allows her to double as a remote. I think you can guess which body part you'd have to press to go down. Anyway, I digress. This thing reminds of those watches everyone had in elementary school used to confuse teachers by switching to MTV in the middle of a Nova special on algae. Ah those were the days- I guess now they'll start hiding these transmitters in all kinds of things that little kids can bring to school and then they'll have to outlaw TVs from the classroom and then teachers will actually have to explain the risks associated with anal intercourse themselves instead of switching on a video. Obviously, the consequences are horrific. I urge you to begin a letter writing campaign. Use my name if you have to- whatever it takes to make sure videos remain the primary mode of communication for topics ranging from genital warts to the hidden life of lichen. A generation of pre-teens will thank you.

Beer tastes like butt

Some people think Christmas begins when you decorate the Christmas tree or when stores start putting up colored lights or when the elevator in your building begins playing Christmas music loud enough to make you want to stab yourself with the business end of your blackberry antenna. Me, I think it's Christmas when beer comes out advertising itself as Santa's Butt. It's unclear whether that means that the beer tastes like the butt of a 750 year-old man who has by all accounts worn the same pair of red pants since the beginning of time OR whether the sight of his fat ass is supposed to make you want to reach out for a 6-pack to take to your next family holiday gathering. Anyway, what is clear is that, according to Yahoo News, some guys in Maine want to sell you this beer and the Maine government won't allow it. [Yahoo] Apparently the state reviews between 10-12 thousand beer labels a year and objects to this one because it might appeal to children. Let's pause here for a second. It is actually someone's job to review beer labels for a living. Everyday they go into work and their desk is cluttered NOT with boring-ass documents from projects of 5 yrs. ago BUT with beer labels! Perhaps they have files called "boring labels," or "pornographic labels," or "kids' labels" or "misleadingly identifies beer as tasting good labels." But I digress, the real question here is this- what the hell is wrong anyway with a beer label that may appeal to kids? If a 7 year old kid likes the label, what's he gonna do anyway? It's not as if he can take it up to the register, smile real sweet and pull out 5 years of allowance to pay for it! Honestly, what the hell is wrong with this state? It should be content being known as the only one-syllable state in the union and stop goddamn regulating the beer label industry. Free the beer labelors!!

Stephanie's house is full of meth

TMZ is reporting this morning that Jodie Sweetin, aka Stephanie from the hit cheese-fest "Full House" was turned away from Hyde club last night. Apparently Jodie, who played Stephanie Tanner from 1987-1995 on the show that made the Olson twins famous and who is apparently also a recovering meth addict did not have a reservation to the infamous LA club and was turned away at the door. TMZ thinks it's pretty embarrassing but I sort of just think that this girl must be pretty used to embarrassment. After all she starred as one of the most grating characters of all time on THE most annoying sitcom of the 90s and had to say "how rude" so many times that by the end even the laugh track threatened suicide if it had to cue. Think her 8 yrs. on the show pretty much made her immune to embarrassment.....that or the 600 lbs. of meth she took. Dunno for sure.

Barbara Bush Jr. victimized

Ugh it's a slow news day. It's the day before Thanksgiving and apparently no one wants to do anything I can make fun of. The only thing remotely interesting in the news today is that Barbara Bush Jr., first daughter, had her purse stolen in a Buenos Aires restaurant while the secret service looked on. [ABC] Not sure if the secret service thought it was some Argentinian custom to crawl under the table and grab purses but for some reason or other no one noticed. Now I'm sympathetic because I've had my purse stolen during dining but then again I din't have 250 pound military- trained body guards whose only job is to stare at me around. Can you imagine the poor petty thief that gets home and finds that he's stolen the purse of the first daughter? I'm not saying the US would do this but I wouldn't be surprised if that guy had a dozen or so apache helicopters circling his tin shack before noon the next day. In fact if Argentina isn't invaded by the beginning of December and Madonna isn't in there adopting kids by February then I have lost all faith in this presidency and the musical Evita.

Fine, that's not a pic of Barbara Bush Jr. but it will be in another 70 odd years.

A Computer beat out Daniel Craig

So the big box office weekend results are in, and on top is.......suspense...yes, you guessed it, some computer-animated movie called "Happy Feet" with some penguins generated by an inanimate object and enjoyed by millions of kids everywhere. And a disappointing number two is Casino Royale, the new Bond movie starring Daniel Craig, the blond British guy who everyone seems to have a beef with. I don't personally have a problem with this Dan guy, he seems like a good enough actor and did a good job in the underrated but good "Layer Cake." I guess it would be helpful if he didn't always look like he was squinting, and not in a good way like Pierce Brosnan but in the way I strain to see the 2 feet tall "E" on the eye chart in the doctor's office from 30 inches away without my glasses. But I digress, what I'm getting at is that it's not Daniel Craig's fault that actors are irrelevant. This Happy Feet I'm sure is a really excellent movie but honestly it took zero actors and only minimal originality to ask a computer to animate some story about penguins and it grosses $42 million dollars in one weekend, and it wasn't even a particularly cold weekend! (at least not here). So I've revised my goal in life, instead of being happy and helping Ethiopian orphans get a second chance at life, I think I'll just pull out the old wordpad and start animating!

Update: "Happy Feet" is the story of a penguin who cannot carry a tune like his brethren but can tap-dance up a storm.

Sad

"There is not one Hungarian who would be left untouched by the death of Ferenc Puskas. The best-known Hungarian of the 20th century has left... Ferenc Puskas has left us, but "Puskas Ocsi" the legend will always stay with us. "HUNGARIAN PRIME MINISTER FERENC GYURCSANY

"When a great player like him passes, the one thing you can do is reflect on what a great player he was and the great games he played in. He was a special player in his day, without question. How that Hungary team didn't win the 1954 World Cup is beyond me."- MANCHESTER UNITED MANAGER SIR ALEX FERGUSON

"Of all of us, he was the best. He had a seventh sense for soccer. If there were 1,000 solutions, he would pick the 1,001st."- HUNGARY TEAM-MATE NANDOR HIDEGKUTI

"Although he was a famous footballer he seemed very normal compared to today's modern stars. He lived in a modest flat below ours and was very generous. He often brought home footballs from training for the kids in the block to play with." OLALLA MARANON, A FORMER NEIGHBOUR IN MADRID [BBC]

George Clooney is sexy twice

So I'm not even sure how this makes any sense at all but George Clooney, age 100 has been picked to be People's sexiest man. He's old as cheese and he's been picked twice and the category is "Sexiest Man Alive" and Brad Pitt has also been picked twice. How does that make any sense? If you're the sexiest man alive, than that should be it- as long as you're alive and recognizably male you should rule, and others should be second or third. It makes even less sense to say that someone is sexiest man alive twice- is that some reaffirmation that you're still alive? In Clooney's case, maybe, but I honestly just cannot wrap my head around how you can be sexiest man alive, twice. Maybe I'm just too dumb for People. Irrelevant as it may be, People is above my intellectual threshold. I think I'll go cry myself to sleep on top of my stack of US Weekly, In Touch, OK, Hello, Hi, Sik, Celebfit- that'll make me feel all withit again.

CNN up to the minute coverage of deer

CNN continues its round-the-clock coverage of deer. Today we learn that deer collisions lead to about $1.1 billion dollars of property damage a year. [CNN] And that dear whistles, whatever the fuck those are, don't work and that these are the top ten states for incest, er I mean deer accidents.

1. Pennsylvania
2. Michigan
3. Illinois
4. Ohio
5. Georgia
6. Virginia
7. Minnesota
8. Texas
9. Indiana
10. South Carolina

Fascinating. So glad that we live in a world where such ground breaking coverage is embraced and not shunned.

I swear this is a real news story

I know I've made fun of CNN in the past but I wish I had saved it all up for this one glorious occasion. Among its latest news stories CNN now has one called: "Fake Pumpkin Threatens Small Deer's Life" and it is accompanied by the picture above, which looks like something from America's Funniest Home Videos, if that show in fact still exists.[CNN] So you're wondering how CNN could possibly have squeezed an entire story out of this. Well, let me take you through it. First we get just the facts: deer got pumpkin stuck, animal "experts" assessing the situation, has been seen around the 'hood, can't eat and possibly can't drink. Then we move on to the solution: tranquilize, take pumpkin off and release it into wild. Then other relevant points of note: deer will be more visible with giant pumpkin as hunting season begins, everyone trying to do right thing. Anyway can you imagine the guy that was sent out to cover the story of the deer in the gated community with a plastic pumpkin stuck on his head? He was probably hoping to interview some dictator and ask for his favorite recipe, a la hard hitting CNN news and instead he's sipping hot cider with some housewives in khakis and sweater sets and staring at a deer that's about to get shot by a fat guy in plaid.

Doogie and Vinni more than just friends?

I haven't done an early 90s sitcom update in quite a while and I think it's high time I got back to it. This ones comes on the heels of some exciting news revealed by Neil Patrick Harris just last week but I'll get to that in one second. Those of you of my generation and nearby will recognize the two in the pic as Doogie Howser MD and his best, and far less genius friend Vinnie Delphino from the hit tv show "Doogie Howser M.D." (1989-1993). The show centered around Doogie just trying to be a normal teenager, but alas, it was quite difficult since at 17 he was already a full-time doctor saving lives, pretending naked girls were only medically interesting, etc. Sigh- the times when it was seen as a sign of genius to write your diary on the computer.(no longer- see, e.g. this blog) So anyway the update on these two is that Neil has reveled that he is gay and now stars in a far less-memorable tv show called "How I met Your Mother," in which, ironically he plays a "womanizer." And Max Casella, the lovable and stereotypically Italian next door neighbor - what of him? As many of your already know, he has now come into his own as a stereotypical Italian and has a reoccurring role on the Sopranos. What a happy ending to an excellent show. Of course my dreams of being a doctor by the age of 17 were shattered when I flunked out of remedial chemistry, but I bare no grudge again the show for giving me unrealistic expectations. Oh no, that grudge is all used up on Mr. Tucker who should have seen it as a latent sign of genius when I tried to burn a hole in the middle of a graduated cylinder with a Bunsen burner. I had it on low heat- goddamnit!

Best Day Ever!

CNN is reporting that Donald Rumsfeld, secretary of defense for the past six years has resigned from the Bush administration. [CNN] First Kfed now Rumsfeld! My god if I wasn't still working at my shitass job and I had won the lottery or something I would have said God was smiling on this world. As it is I will say only to God that he should go for the trifecta and get rid of morning news programs and if that's too much then just take Regis! Thanks!

Update: Kfed may not need to stick it elsewhere

Tyler [WWTDD] and Dlisted and Gawker and all those crazy kids all over the blogosphere are now reporting that the whole divorce is just one big publicity stunt to get sympathy and scare KFed sober.

Hah! As if! Kfed can't be scared! His CD has a hidden track titled "Middle Finger" on it- this guy is unscarable!

KFed will need to stick it elsewhere

Ye asked and ye shall receive. Unless you've been living under a rock, and one with soundproof walls at that, you already know that Britney Spears finally pulled the plug on her two year marriage to would-be rapper, back-up dancer and child-producing asswipe extraordinaire Kevin Federline. This morning TMZ has added a bit of spice to the story by claiming that KFed plans to fight for custody.[TMZ] Everyone is all happy and whatnot though because there's some air tight prenup that allows KFed to get off with only 350K and half of their Malibu mansion worth 7 million. This of course is excluding the money he got from selling all the wedding pics, the money to make his CD, tour the country, go to Vegas everyweekend, hire expensive hookers, order Cristal, bribe people to come to his shows, etc. etc. You get the picture. So this manchild- whose only talent appears to be hip-hop dancing behind teenage popstars and wearing XXL clothes is going to get and has already gotten more money than I will likely see in a lifetime. Anyway I'm at a loss for words- if there is a God out there, he must be teaching me a lesson for that time I peed in my Halloween costume and didn't tell anyone until 8 hours later in the first grade.

Bush is so wise; so good with talking

Sorry, sorry I know I haven't posted in a few days but I've had a brief vacation which temporarily made me less cynical but I think I'm back now. Today is election day and you should vote and you should try to avoid all the campaign commercials which so rudely interrupted my morning workout this morning. The Toronto Star, who I think must only report on the US midterm elections to amuse itself, has an article today reporting that the Republicans are going to lose and quoting Bush in a last ditch effort to campaign in Florida. Apparently this is what Bush had to say about the Dems:

"The Democrats' philosophy is this: If it breathes, tax it. And if stops breathing, find their children and tax them," said Bush, who also charged that Democrats don't have a plan to win in Iraq.

Ignore for a second the charming little accusation that Dems tax dead people and focus on the use of "it" and "their." So when it is breathing it is just an it but when it has children it becomes "their." I would just chalk it up to Bush's usual difficulties with grammar but I think there's more to it than that. Well...wait...no actually, no I don't. I started writing this whole thing on the complex family values arguments that underlie his use of "their" and just realized I was fooling myself. This is the man that named his daughter Jenna Bush- which if you didn't know better you'd think was the local stripper at the highway truck stop who gives lap dances for free on Tuesdays if you bring a coupon.

PS: I like that pic of Bush because it looks like he's looking through a peep hole

Brad is unauthorized

I bet if I gave all 1 people who read this blog regularly (thanks mom) a guess at who that was 1 out of 1 of them wouldn't get it right- unless they read gossip columns as much as I do which I can pretty much guarantee is not possible. Anyway that blue man up there is Brad Pitt in his boxers, apparently drenched in water- although I am unable to tell that from this angle. And yes this is just a lame excuse to put up a near-naked pick of Brad on my blog, to make it official that all I am is a slave to celebrity. The point of this picture is that it's in dispute- apparently Vanity Fair is putting it on their December cover and Brad has not given permission- shocking. [IMDB] Vanity Fair frankly couldn't care less and are just glad they don't have to wait another 20 years until some wacked out celebrity has an alien looking baby to get back into the news. I care only because that picture is really oddly blue and I'm not sure if that's supposed to be artistic or what. And also because photographers are endlessly getting naked pics of female celebs topless in their backyard or inside their showers or whatever and it barely makes it onto the E biography about them and here's this fuzzy, blue pick of Brad in basically shorts without a shirt, which BTW he signed a release for, and all of a sudden I'm supposed to be all enraged at the illegal use of his likeness. If I were Brad I'd be more upset at being made to look like a cross between a smurf and a stalker.

Guest Columnist: The Scottish hate inane car commercials

We are back this week with Bloggi Bag guest columnist, The Scotsman, to share with us his views of marketing. Of course we Americans are marketing whores so it's difficult for us to understand his distaste but try and sympathize- Europeans are more refined than we are!

Is it just me or has anybody else noticed that TV advertisements appear to be trying to appeal to, well, actually, I’m not at all sure who they’re trying to appeal to. Car adverts are particularly perplexing. That one on the frozen lake with the Citreon C4 morphing into a giant speed-skating transformer leaves me utterly baffled every time.( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_g_74Ug2zw) Who, exactly, is the target demographic for that nonsense? Fans of Transformers? Do kids still like them? But kids don’t buy cars anyway. Do you see why I’m baffled? Then there’s Audi’s claim at end of their latest advert:

“TO DATE NASA HAS FILED 6,509 PATENTS. IN DEVELOPING THE A6, AUDI FILED 9,621”

Well that’s super. So can the A6 travel through the cold vacuum of outer-space then? The short answer is “no”. In my opinion, Audi should be ashamed of themselves and I’ll explain why. The Audi A6 has been on the market since 1994. Let’s estimate that this car was in development for ten years before finally going to market. We can therefore state the following:

“ON AVERAGE, AUDI FILED ALMOST FOUR HUNDRED PATENTS PER YEAR AND ALL THEY’VE GOT TO SHOW FOR IT IS A CAR.”

NASA was founded in 1958. Let’s create a similar statement on their behalf:

ON AVERAGE, NASA ONLY NEEDED TO FILE ABOUT 130 PATENTS PER YEAR TO SEND PROBES ON A FLY-PAST OF VENUS (1962); PUT MEN ON THE MOON (1969); LAND PROBES ON MARS AND SEND BACK THE FIRST COLOUR PICTURES OF ANOTHER PLANET (1975); SEND PROBES TO INVESTIGATE JUPITER, SATURN, URANUS AND NEPTUNE (1977); DESIGN, BUILD AND LAUNCH THE FIRST SPACE SHUTTLE (1981); PUT THE HUBBLE TELESCOPE INTO ORBIT (1990); AND FINALLY, CONTRIBUTE TOWARDS THE DESIGN AND CONSTRUCTION OF THE INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION (CURRENT).”

So you see, the boffins at Audi are morons. All those patents, all that head scratching and all they could come up with is a car. A FUCKING CAR! In lieu of finding a better explanation, I can only conclude that their patents were crap. Complete and utter needless crap. If I owned shares in Audi I’d be asking some serious questions about how well my investment is being utilised.

Fuck off Audi. At least NASA did something worthwhile with their patents. If you want to impress me then put a car on the moon.

Take That Freedom Fries

The BBC is reporting today that France's interest in Halloween has officially ended. [BBC] Apparently the French were very into Halloween in the early 90s, then some anti-Halloween (read: anti-American) groups were formed and interest in Halloween has gradually declined to the point where the anti-Halloween group has disbanded. The situation is so dire, that even French supermarkets have lost interest in the holiday. So, although the BBC doesn't come out and say it what I'm picking up here is that the French hate Americans and they have decided to express that hate through hating Halloween- which the French should really love because it gives them a chance to flaunt their smelly pits in disguise. But anyway despite my feeling that the French really ought to shower more frequently I like their country and culture and think all this animosity is misplaced. Maybe they could rename Halloween- Smelly Pits in Disguise Day to reflect French pride, like we renamed freedom fries. I think I'll float that idea to the powers that be- which sounds like it's supermarkets from the BBC story.

This post comes so close to the last one because that Yasmine Bleeth pic was really creeping me out.

Happy Halloween

Scared yet? Courtesy of Smoking Gun, again.[Smoking Gun] Yasmine Bleeth in a mugshot after a 2001 arrest for cocaine possession. Let the lesson be - some people are better on drugs like the Rolling Stones and some people are not like Yasmine Bleeth.

The Rolling Stones should get on some drugs

I had the recent privilege of attending a concert by the legendary and iconic rock band, the Rolling Stones. We had good seats, Giants stadium was packed and yet it was all so much more lame than I imagined. I mean, yes Mick Jagger is still skinny enough that he looks like he's doing heroine backstage and Keith Richards still has a lot of hair but the guys have really yuppied it up to the point where it's hard to imagine that they were ever unconventional. And yes part of the problem is the crowd- when tickets cost $175 a pop you're likely to end up with a lot of middle-aged baby boomers in sweater vests swinging their fat asses around while singing along to Honky Tonk Women. I digress. The point of this post is that the Smoking Gun has posted the Stones tour requests- basically everywhere they perform they have this long list of things the venue needs to get them. Well, it would seem that one of the things that they absolutely must have (see you can tell it's important because it's underlined!) is cricket![Smoking Gun] Yes, that's right- instead of getting high backstage, these days MJ likes to relax and watch a little cricket. Edgy? I think so.....

Breaking: Free guns in Iraq

The Capitol Hill Blue, an online newspaper is reporting this morning that the U.S. military "cannot account for" 278,000 guns that were destined for the burgeoning Iraqi security forces. [Capitol Hill Blue] You might be saying to yourself, there is so much unreliable journalism out there, just where do these numbers come from? Oh nowhere reliable just from study commissioned by Senate Armed Services Committee Chair and Republican John Warner!! Let's just get a little perspective on these numbers- shall we? 278,000 weapons is enough to arm every man, woman and child in Birmingham, Alabama one-half of the population of Las Vegas, NV and one-fourth of the population of Dallas, TX. So if you think arming a bunch of rednecks and compulsive gamblers is scary think who has these in Iraq. Yep, yep it's not guns that kill people it's the idiot U.S. government.

Barbra Streisand should get off the drugs

IMDB, my favorite source for celebrity news is reporting this morning that Barbra Streisand, singer and outspoken Bush critic extraordinare has requested stringent security be set up for all of her concerts, including metal detectors and police dogs because she's convinced someone's going to assassinate her. [IMDB] Sorry but just who does this crazy bitch think she is? Also not sure if this is IMDB's stupidity or hers but it's not assassination unless it's politically motivated. Does she think that some crazy Bush-supporter is going to ignore the rest of the Democratic party and instead "assassinate" her? Also, I'm pretty sure you're not exactly the most respected guy in prison if you're in for life for murdering Barbra Streisand. Honestly, whoever kills her should really spare themselves a lifetime of pain and do it at her Texas concert, where at least they can count on a swift death. Although you can bet if I was on that jury I'd convince them all that it was justified. It'd be hard though because juries are full of intelligent and savy people who somehow couldn't muster up the 10 bucks to bribe themselves out of being there. But I'm up for a challenge, I watch legal shows- bring it.

Rarer than Kirstie Alley on the cover of US Weekly: a Bloggi bag recommendation

Yes, it's rare, very rare indeed but I have a recommendation for another blog! I'm not saying you should stop reading my blog or anything but I suggest you start reading this one because it's the frigging most original idea I've seen in a while. I can sit here all day trying to be funny about the irrelevance of CNN, the self-absorption of celebrities and the idiocy of molesting politicans but this blog, called PostSecret pretty much sums it all up with pictures. The idea is that people send secrets via postcards and the blog posts them. [PostSecret] It refers to itself as a "community art project" but you should check it out anyway- two examples of homemade postcards above.

Breaking: Being fat makes you heavier

CBS has a story this morning about how fat Americans burn more gas in their cars. Why? Because when you're fat you make the whole car heavier and it lowers the gas mileage. [CBS] I know what you're thinking and I agree- CBS as a whole really has gotten so much more credible since Katie Couric joined. But I digress, I'm glad this story final hit the airwaves (or broadband waves or whatever) because this may be just the thing to get fat people in this country to pay attention. If there's something that gets people more riled up than their nearest McDonalds 99 cent specials it's their gas prices. I think instead of focusing on diabetes and heart disease and all that negative stuff, a new campaign on fat should focus on gas prices. After all I think you'd be hard pressed to find an American who doesn't agree that losing weight is worth saving money on gas.


I know the picture, again, has nothing to do with the story but god knows we all know what fat people look like and this picture is just weirdly hilarious and does have an exercise-focus.

Bloggi Bag Weekly Segment: Unwrapped

We're back this week with another edition of unwrapped including the banner picture featuring the unnaturally happy but lovable Double Dare host-extraordinaire Marc Summers. This week's suggested reviews bring an eclectic mix of links but still no naked people. Read on to better yourself:

• Yuppies love drama and also watch TV. Or so ABC thinks. ABC has a nauseating line-up of cliched dramas this fall that make me and my new favorite Slate reviewer who described Calista Flockhart as having an "unrelenting huffiness that's supposed to be cute" want to retch. [Slate]
• PS3 and then some. This review is a bit old but the product is due out soon, I believe, so I thought I'd add it into the mix. The PS3 is not your grandma's game console anymore and even the reluctant reviewer from CNet agrees if you consider all that it might be a good deal. [CNET]
• Employee of the Month is like a penis. I know this movie has been out for a while but I couldn't resist posting this review from EFilmCritic calling the movie "benign and flaccid, like a neutered dog's penis." Read on to find out more. [EFilmCritic]

Living La Vida Moron

This sucks- sorry for the late post, has been a slow and uninteresting news day so don't have much to add. Did find this little tidbit in a CNN story today, however. Apparently this whole Madonna stealing baby from healthy loving father has caused a bit of a controversy- can't imagine why. So CNN wrote this whole story about how Madonna went on Oprah and discussed what a good person she is and whatnot and all was flowing along nicely when all of a sudden about 3/4 of the way into the story (which I assure you is far longer than I usually read) there is an "expert" quote from Ricky Martin! That's right the latin singer and Menudo by-product is some sort of UNICEF amdassador who has this to say:

"I know Madonna as a mother, and she's exemplary. The love she gives her kids is a dream, and I know that her heart is big enough to adopt not just one child but to adopt 20." When asked if he would like to adopt someday, the 34-year-old pop star said: "Totally. I don't know when, but right now I am sponsoring three children in India and we have a very beautiful connection."[CNN]

No word on whether having a beautiful connection involves explaining the soulful lyrics to "She Bangs."

Introducing a Bloggi Bag guest columnist: The Scotsman

This week introduces what will become a regular Bloggi Bag guest column from the beautiful and underpublicized country of Scotland. Why? Because the Scottish are funnier than us. Below is the first introduction:

I’m Scottish. I’ll set a few things straight right from the start in case anybody’s unenlightened with regards to the habits of your average Scot. I’ve only ever worn a kilt once in my life and I’m not tight with my money; I just never seem to have that much - admittedly because I blow it as soon as I get it. I have mastered the mysteries of Krishna-consumerism. I spend freely but don’t acquire any material goods. I’m sure the barman said “Gouranga” the last time I got the drinks in. Right now I live in a city called Glasgow, in the southwest of Scotland. According to Camus, “the easiest way of making a town’s acquaintance is to ascertain how the people in it work, how they love, and how they die.” So here goes.

I can’t speak for everybody in Glasgow; I don’t know them all. I’ll speak only for those that I do know. Some of the people that I know work in financial services. Some of the other people that I know work in IT, mostly supporting the financial services people. Then there’s a whole bunch of people that I know who provide essential services like teaching and health care to the other aforementioned bunch who work in and around financial services. Another bunch of people that have nothing to do with financial services make a reasonable living working for one of the relatively numerous universities in and around Glasgow. And finally there are the architects. I’m not sure how it happened but I count many architects amongst my friends.

Love? Like everybody else we love with passion, we love with pain and we love with joy. We love our partners, we love our friends, we love our family, we love our music and we love our football teams. We’re wary of showing our love. Only those very close to us receive unselfconscious demonstrative love. Everybody else has to wait until we gather to share a few drinks. That’s probably why we stay out late together every weekend. It’s during these precious moments that we show our love to our friends without inhibition or the use of our respective faculties. We throw off the shackles of dignity, self-respect and coherent thought and talk shit. It’s beautiful.

And finally there’s death. The causes of death are the same here as they are anywhere else. They just seem to happen a bit earlier in life. I won’t bore you with the details. Poor diet, alcohol, cigarettes – you get the picture. That kind of stuff shortens your lifespan. There is another more sinister way to die in this city but it involves morons and knives. Lets leave that nasty topic to another time.

So there you have it - work, love and death in Glasgow. I guess if you read between the lines then you’ll see that we work hard and play hard. No, that’s clichéd. It’s better to say that we live hard. But doesn’t everybody, no matter where they live? Frankly, I’m not interested. I’m just trying to end this piece so that I can get back to watching some TV. More soon.

Peter O'Toole is my hero/ a demi-god in a land of men

My hero used to be Donatello the purple one from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, because he was so sciency and wore purple so well BUT I may have to change it to Peter O'Toole. IMD is reporting that Peter O'Toole, the 74 year-old actor of "Lawrence of Arabia"-fame was so upset at the lack of alcohol at the Oscars that he threatened to leave. [IMDB] Oscars personnel of course told him that rules are rules and he should choose from their nice selection of sparkling cider. Right. Oscar personnel smuggled in a bottle of vodka for the old drunk who obligingly stayed. However, the no-alcohol policy does explain why the Oscars haven't seemed as fun lately. Kind of like that dry wedding I went to last weekend. I too tried to smuggle in some vodka to get me through the night but ended up being escorted out by some people named Cindy and Herb who were muttering something incomprehensible about offending the sanctity of the Mormon religion. Ah well I guess I just don't have the same cache as the O'Toole-maybe if I had tried all of the above with a head scarf and an improvised crown or a purple headband and a belt with a big D on it.

Free-ish Speech

So this is the following chain of events:

1) Alberto Fernandez, director of the Office of Press and Public Diplomacy in the Bureau of Near East Affairs of the U.S. State Department, made the following comments on Saturday to the All-Jazeera.

"History will decide what role the United States played, and God willing, we tried to do our best in Iraq. But I think there is a big possibility ... for extreme criticism and because undoubtedly there was arrogance and stupidity from the United States in Iraq," the diplomat told Al-Jazeera.

2) The Bush administration comments on his comments:

I can only assume his remarks must have been mistranslated. Those comments obviously don't reflect our policy," a senior Bush administration official said.[CNN]

3) By Monday Alberto Fernandez issues a press release via the State Department with the following:

"Upon reading the transcript of my appearance on Al-Jazeera, I realized that I seriously misspoke by using the phrase 'there has been arrogance and stupidity' by the U.S. in Iraq. This represents neither my views nor those of the State Department. I apologize." [U.S. StateDept.]

Well at least it's free-ish, I mean it really sounds like Fernandez issued that press release of his own free will to save his job. You see rogue nations of the world this is how hypocrisy is done in first-rate countries, please take notes.

Indiana Jones and the Shadyoaks assisted living facility

IMDB is reporting that Harrison Ford, pictured above and in his 64th year of studly earring-ed life will be starring in a new Indiana Jones movie being written, as we speak, by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. [IMDB] Ford is standing by his story that he is "fit to continue" and will star in what promises to be an action-packed 2 hours of 25 yr-old stuntmen doing everything and Indy having arthritic pain from putting on his trademark fedora. Now don't get me wrong, I love the old Indiana Jones movies as much as I love early 90s pre-teen sitcoms but sometimes old is just old. $100 bucks says they're not going to cast Diane Keaton who at 60 is still 4 yrs. his junior as Indy's love-interest. Okay so I don't have $100 right this second, but I will as soon as my bookie gets back from......uhmm so anyway let's bet!

Do-it yourself diamond mining

Apparently there is a state park down in Arkansas where you can mine your own diamonds. Like hell, you say- the only good diamonds come from bloody dictatorships somewhere in Africa- well you're wrong. The AP is reporting that a man from Wisconsin found a 5.47 carat diamond while visiting Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro Arkansas valued at somewhere between 15 and 60K last weekend.[Yahoo] Murfreesboro Arkansas??? I think I'll take my chances finding diamonds in the middle of a bloody civil war in Africa- at least they don't think bible verses set to banjo music is a mark of a raging kegger.

I know the picture has nothing to do with any of this but it's funny and everyone already knows what a diamond looks like and rabbits are lucky, especially if they have nunchuks.

Buddy no longer thinks Charles is in Charge

Another pleasant foray into early 90s pre-teen/teen sitcoms with the cast of Charles in Charge, about the escapades of a family with a college-aged nanny who was a boy! and was also Chachi and also ended up dating one of the family members in real life. Read on to find out which although I suspect you know it wasn't the grandpa.

Scott Baio (Charles) - The lovable and charismatic Charles (also Chachi in Happy Days) is now still cool, if you think being in the same league (read VD clinic) as Tommy Lee and Kid Rock by having been engaged to Pam Anderson twice is cool. His career can pretty much be called over and the line in the sand signaling the end was probably drawn around the time he starred in "SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2."

William Aames (Buddy)-In 2004 starred as the Bibleman in "Bible Man," a Christian video series designed for children ages 3-9. In short, it would seem God is now in charge of Willi.

Nicole Eggert (Jamie Powell)- The "sexy one" of the two Powell girls, Nicole later appeared on Baywatch, dated Charles and pretty much followed his career down the toilet by recently wrapping her new movie "Lightspeed," also starring (appearing?) Lee Majors. I know what you're thinking and I wish I had made this up, because it would've been clever but it's all true.

Josie Davis ( Sara Powell)- The "sweet" one of the Powell girls, Josie Davis co-starred with Mayim Bialik in "Kalamazoo?"!!!!! Isn't the world of early 90s teen tv stars so small? Both Mayim and Josie in one obscure movie about the school where my brother got his very first indecent exposure warning. (see earlier [post] for details)

Subzero not just for freezers anymore

Newsweek, the magazine of hard-hitting political exposes, is reporting on their website that female clothing designers are gearing up to introduce "negative" sizes labeled subzero and 00.[Newsweek] The whole point of the article, besides boring us to death and having an excuse to have lots of glossy pictures, is to say that the only reason the really small sizes are needed is because we are getting so fat that the higher sizes had to be decreased to make us feel better, thereby making the smallest size equal to basically a medium of 20 years ago- which apparently men can't understand because the author dropped the following cutesy paren. into the middle:

"(Note to male readers: If this is all getting too complicated, just ask any female friend or relative to explain.)"

Riiiiiighhht not to stereotype or anything but of the 5 people reading Newsweek, maybe 2 are male and maybe 0 are going to read this article. For those of you who did read it and asked for clarification from your female friends and relatives (sickos), you may as well just go down to the corner sex-change store and get yourself a nice new sex organ because the one you have was accidentally attached to you.

Breaking: It's not abuse if you like it

Foley Update: CNN reported early this morning, or late last night, or during the 9th inning of the Mets game, depending on how you keep time that the priest who Foley accused of molesting him did in fact admit to some "naked back massages," "skinny dipping" and some other unspecified inappropriate behavior which he blamed on taking tranquilizers.[CNN] The priest, speaking from his home on some island in the Mediterranean, also said he didn't really think the whole series of incidents could be considered abuse, because Foley seemed to like it. He entreated the former Congressman to "remember the good times," and to not "keep dwelling on this thing."

So what I'm picking up here is that this priest pretty much thinks that he and Foley were two crazy kids in love and the world just doesn't get it. Keep in mind he said all these things to a reporter, to several reporters actually and repeatedly. And why not? He fondled a kid 40 years ago and now he's living the life of leisure on some island. Clearly God is sending a message.

Me: not fondling little children- work 19 hrs a day and live in 50 sq. ft. apartment with mice problem.

Father Foley-abuser: unabashedly fondling little children - lives in an island home on the Mediterranean.

Hmmmm....what could it be?? Whatever could God be saying here...

Clarissa is knocked up

Continuing on our tour of old pre-teen/teen sitcoms I bring to you Melissa Joan Hart, star of Clarissa Explains it All AND more recently of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Clarissa was the colorfully clothed and precocious eldest child of the Darling family whose everyday adventures always included some sinister plot against her brother Ferguson. So she isn't exactly like Blossom, because we've seen her since the early nineties, but these shots of her pregnant from last November still made me feel sorry for her having to tell her parents about prom night and the broken condom. So enjoy and don't be mad at me for ruining your next episode of Sabrina.

Kissinger knows Americans understand food

In an article two weeks ago Helen Thomas, legendary White House correspondent and scowler extraordinaire reported that Kissinger had advised Bush to continue the war in Iraq.[ABC-Boston] Which is of course a complete surprise- I had hitherto thought Kissinger was a peacenik with a Prius but apparently I stand corrected. But anyway, not funny comments by me aside, the really juicy part of the article comes in the advice Kissinger supposedly gave Bush:

"Withdrawal of U.S. troops will become like salted peanuts to the American public. The more U.S. troops come home, the more will be demanded,"

It's not clear here if Kissinger just didn't think Bush could understand without the peanuts or if he was trying to make the point that Americans without their food are angry, bitter, riot-prone people. Either way the man is clearly a genius - no wonder he did so well giving advice on Vietnam....

What the hell is this?

It's been a couple hours since I've ripped on CNN but honestly what the hell is that thing in the upper left-hand corner in their headlining picture? The story is about US soldiers being targeted by snippers but I don't see how that relates to the little angry face, penis, genie in a lamp or whatever that is. I'm taking suggestions- seriously. Tell me what it is I need to know.

Blossom is a brain surgeon

As you may have noticed I'm a wee bit enamored by old tv shows. In that spirit I thought I would do a quick internet search and put up some before and after shots of favorite child celebs. This one is Mayim Bialik from "Blossom"(1991-1995) the show about the adorable pre-teen girl and her rapid-mouthed friend living under one roof with dumb brother Joey and middle-aged hunk dad. Apparently, according to UCLA, Mayim is now getting a Ph.d in neuroscience which isn't exactly like brain surgery but it's close enough and makes a funnier title than "Blossom is a doctor of neuroscience." [UCLA] The after pic is from her 2005 movie "Kalamazoo?" which is incidentally a real college and the site of a very embarrassing mooning incident involving my brother and a high-ranking faculty member.