Take That Freedom Fries

The BBC is reporting today that France's interest in Halloween has officially ended. [BBC] Apparently the French were very into Halloween in the early 90s, then some anti-Halloween (read: anti-American) groups were formed and interest in Halloween has gradually declined to the point where the anti-Halloween group has disbanded. The situation is so dire, that even French supermarkets have lost interest in the holiday. So, although the BBC doesn't come out and say it what I'm picking up here is that the French hate Americans and they have decided to express that hate through hating Halloween- which the French should really love because it gives them a chance to flaunt their smelly pits in disguise. But anyway despite my feeling that the French really ought to shower more frequently I like their country and culture and think all this animosity is misplaced. Maybe they could rename Halloween- Smelly Pits in Disguise Day to reflect French pride, like we renamed freedom fries. I think I'll float that idea to the powers that be- which sounds like it's supermarkets from the BBC story.

This post comes so close to the last one because that Yasmine Bleeth pic was really creeping me out.

Happy Halloween

Scared yet? Courtesy of Smoking Gun, again.[Smoking Gun] Yasmine Bleeth in a mugshot after a 2001 arrest for cocaine possession. Let the lesson be - some people are better on drugs like the Rolling Stones and some people are not like Yasmine Bleeth.

The Rolling Stones should get on some drugs

I had the recent privilege of attending a concert by the legendary and iconic rock band, the Rolling Stones. We had good seats, Giants stadium was packed and yet it was all so much more lame than I imagined. I mean, yes Mick Jagger is still skinny enough that he looks like he's doing heroine backstage and Keith Richards still has a lot of hair but the guys have really yuppied it up to the point where it's hard to imagine that they were ever unconventional. And yes part of the problem is the crowd- when tickets cost $175 a pop you're likely to end up with a lot of middle-aged baby boomers in sweater vests swinging their fat asses around while singing along to Honky Tonk Women. I digress. The point of this post is that the Smoking Gun has posted the Stones tour requests- basically everywhere they perform they have this long list of things the venue needs to get them. Well, it would seem that one of the things that they absolutely must have (see you can tell it's important because it's underlined!) is cricket![Smoking Gun] Yes, that's right- instead of getting high backstage, these days MJ likes to relax and watch a little cricket. Edgy? I think so.....

Breaking: Free guns in Iraq

The Capitol Hill Blue, an online newspaper is reporting this morning that the U.S. military "cannot account for" 278,000 guns that were destined for the burgeoning Iraqi security forces. [Capitol Hill Blue] You might be saying to yourself, there is so much unreliable journalism out there, just where do these numbers come from? Oh nowhere reliable just from study commissioned by Senate Armed Services Committee Chair and Republican John Warner!! Let's just get a little perspective on these numbers- shall we? 278,000 weapons is enough to arm every man, woman and child in Birmingham, Alabama one-half of the population of Las Vegas, NV and one-fourth of the population of Dallas, TX. So if you think arming a bunch of rednecks and compulsive gamblers is scary think who has these in Iraq. Yep, yep it's not guns that kill people it's the idiot U.S. government.

Barbra Streisand should get off the drugs

IMDB, my favorite source for celebrity news is reporting this morning that Barbra Streisand, singer and outspoken Bush critic extraordinare has requested stringent security be set up for all of her concerts, including metal detectors and police dogs because she's convinced someone's going to assassinate her. [IMDB] Sorry but just who does this crazy bitch think she is? Also not sure if this is IMDB's stupidity or hers but it's not assassination unless it's politically motivated. Does she think that some crazy Bush-supporter is going to ignore the rest of the Democratic party and instead "assassinate" her? Also, I'm pretty sure you're not exactly the most respected guy in prison if you're in for life for murdering Barbra Streisand. Honestly, whoever kills her should really spare themselves a lifetime of pain and do it at her Texas concert, where at least they can count on a swift death. Although you can bet if I was on that jury I'd convince them all that it was justified. It'd be hard though because juries are full of intelligent and savy people who somehow couldn't muster up the 10 bucks to bribe themselves out of being there. But I'm up for a challenge, I watch legal shows- bring it.

Rarer than Kirstie Alley on the cover of US Weekly: a Bloggi bag recommendation

Yes, it's rare, very rare indeed but I have a recommendation for another blog! I'm not saying you should stop reading my blog or anything but I suggest you start reading this one because it's the frigging most original idea I've seen in a while. I can sit here all day trying to be funny about the irrelevance of CNN, the self-absorption of celebrities and the idiocy of molesting politicans but this blog, called PostSecret pretty much sums it all up with pictures. The idea is that people send secrets via postcards and the blog posts them. [PostSecret] It refers to itself as a "community art project" but you should check it out anyway- two examples of homemade postcards above.

Breaking: Being fat makes you heavier

CBS has a story this morning about how fat Americans burn more gas in their cars. Why? Because when you're fat you make the whole car heavier and it lowers the gas mileage. [CBS] I know what you're thinking and I agree- CBS as a whole really has gotten so much more credible since Katie Couric joined. But I digress, I'm glad this story final hit the airwaves (or broadband waves or whatever) because this may be just the thing to get fat people in this country to pay attention. If there's something that gets people more riled up than their nearest McDonalds 99 cent specials it's their gas prices. I think instead of focusing on diabetes and heart disease and all that negative stuff, a new campaign on fat should focus on gas prices. After all I think you'd be hard pressed to find an American who doesn't agree that losing weight is worth saving money on gas.


I know the picture, again, has nothing to do with the story but god knows we all know what fat people look like and this picture is just weirdly hilarious and does have an exercise-focus.

Bloggi Bag Weekly Segment: Unwrapped

We're back this week with another edition of unwrapped including the banner picture featuring the unnaturally happy but lovable Double Dare host-extraordinaire Marc Summers. This week's suggested reviews bring an eclectic mix of links but still no naked people. Read on to better yourself:

• Yuppies love drama and also watch TV. Or so ABC thinks. ABC has a nauseating line-up of cliched dramas this fall that make me and my new favorite Slate reviewer who described Calista Flockhart as having an "unrelenting huffiness that's supposed to be cute" want to retch. [Slate]
• PS3 and then some. This review is a bit old but the product is due out soon, I believe, so I thought I'd add it into the mix. The PS3 is not your grandma's game console anymore and even the reluctant reviewer from CNet agrees if you consider all that it might be a good deal. [CNET]
• Employee of the Month is like a penis. I know this movie has been out for a while but I couldn't resist posting this review from EFilmCritic calling the movie "benign and flaccid, like a neutered dog's penis." Read on to find out more. [EFilmCritic]

Living La Vida Moron

This sucks- sorry for the late post, has been a slow and uninteresting news day so don't have much to add. Did find this little tidbit in a CNN story today, however. Apparently this whole Madonna stealing baby from healthy loving father has caused a bit of a controversy- can't imagine why. So CNN wrote this whole story about how Madonna went on Oprah and discussed what a good person she is and whatnot and all was flowing along nicely when all of a sudden about 3/4 of the way into the story (which I assure you is far longer than I usually read) there is an "expert" quote from Ricky Martin! That's right the latin singer and Menudo by-product is some sort of UNICEF amdassador who has this to say:

"I know Madonna as a mother, and she's exemplary. The love she gives her kids is a dream, and I know that her heart is big enough to adopt not just one child but to adopt 20." When asked if he would like to adopt someday, the 34-year-old pop star said: "Totally. I don't know when, but right now I am sponsoring three children in India and we have a very beautiful connection."[CNN]

No word on whether having a beautiful connection involves explaining the soulful lyrics to "She Bangs."

Introducing a Bloggi Bag guest columnist: The Scotsman

This week introduces what will become a regular Bloggi Bag guest column from the beautiful and underpublicized country of Scotland. Why? Because the Scottish are funnier than us. Below is the first introduction:

I’m Scottish. I’ll set a few things straight right from the start in case anybody’s unenlightened with regards to the habits of your average Scot. I’ve only ever worn a kilt once in my life and I’m not tight with my money; I just never seem to have that much - admittedly because I blow it as soon as I get it. I have mastered the mysteries of Krishna-consumerism. I spend freely but don’t acquire any material goods. I’m sure the barman said “Gouranga” the last time I got the drinks in. Right now I live in a city called Glasgow, in the southwest of Scotland. According to Camus, “the easiest way of making a town’s acquaintance is to ascertain how the people in it work, how they love, and how they die.” So here goes.

I can’t speak for everybody in Glasgow; I don’t know them all. I’ll speak only for those that I do know. Some of the people that I know work in financial services. Some of the other people that I know work in IT, mostly supporting the financial services people. Then there’s a whole bunch of people that I know who provide essential services like teaching and health care to the other aforementioned bunch who work in and around financial services. Another bunch of people that have nothing to do with financial services make a reasonable living working for one of the relatively numerous universities in and around Glasgow. And finally there are the architects. I’m not sure how it happened but I count many architects amongst my friends.

Love? Like everybody else we love with passion, we love with pain and we love with joy. We love our partners, we love our friends, we love our family, we love our music and we love our football teams. We’re wary of showing our love. Only those very close to us receive unselfconscious demonstrative love. Everybody else has to wait until we gather to share a few drinks. That’s probably why we stay out late together every weekend. It’s during these precious moments that we show our love to our friends without inhibition or the use of our respective faculties. We throw off the shackles of dignity, self-respect and coherent thought and talk shit. It’s beautiful.

And finally there’s death. The causes of death are the same here as they are anywhere else. They just seem to happen a bit earlier in life. I won’t bore you with the details. Poor diet, alcohol, cigarettes – you get the picture. That kind of stuff shortens your lifespan. There is another more sinister way to die in this city but it involves morons and knives. Lets leave that nasty topic to another time.

So there you have it - work, love and death in Glasgow. I guess if you read between the lines then you’ll see that we work hard and play hard. No, that’s clichéd. It’s better to say that we live hard. But doesn’t everybody, no matter where they live? Frankly, I’m not interested. I’m just trying to end this piece so that I can get back to watching some TV. More soon.

Peter O'Toole is my hero/ a demi-god in a land of men

My hero used to be Donatello the purple one from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, because he was so sciency and wore purple so well BUT I may have to change it to Peter O'Toole. IMD is reporting that Peter O'Toole, the 74 year-old actor of "Lawrence of Arabia"-fame was so upset at the lack of alcohol at the Oscars that he threatened to leave. [IMDB] Oscars personnel of course told him that rules are rules and he should choose from their nice selection of sparkling cider. Right. Oscar personnel smuggled in a bottle of vodka for the old drunk who obligingly stayed. However, the no-alcohol policy does explain why the Oscars haven't seemed as fun lately. Kind of like that dry wedding I went to last weekend. I too tried to smuggle in some vodka to get me through the night but ended up being escorted out by some people named Cindy and Herb who were muttering something incomprehensible about offending the sanctity of the Mormon religion. Ah well I guess I just don't have the same cache as the O'Toole-maybe if I had tried all of the above with a head scarf and an improvised crown or a purple headband and a belt with a big D on it.

Free-ish Speech

So this is the following chain of events:

1) Alberto Fernandez, director of the Office of Press and Public Diplomacy in the Bureau of Near East Affairs of the U.S. State Department, made the following comments on Saturday to the All-Jazeera.

"History will decide what role the United States played, and God willing, we tried to do our best in Iraq. But I think there is a big possibility ... for extreme criticism and because undoubtedly there was arrogance and stupidity from the United States in Iraq," the diplomat told Al-Jazeera.

2) The Bush administration comments on his comments:

I can only assume his remarks must have been mistranslated. Those comments obviously don't reflect our policy," a senior Bush administration official said.[CNN]

3) By Monday Alberto Fernandez issues a press release via the State Department with the following:

"Upon reading the transcript of my appearance on Al-Jazeera, I realized that I seriously misspoke by using the phrase 'there has been arrogance and stupidity' by the U.S. in Iraq. This represents neither my views nor those of the State Department. I apologize." [U.S. StateDept.]

Well at least it's free-ish, I mean it really sounds like Fernandez issued that press release of his own free will to save his job. You see rogue nations of the world this is how hypocrisy is done in first-rate countries, please take notes.

Indiana Jones and the Shadyoaks assisted living facility

IMDB is reporting that Harrison Ford, pictured above and in his 64th year of studly earring-ed life will be starring in a new Indiana Jones movie being written, as we speak, by Steven Spielberg and George Lucas. [IMDB] Ford is standing by his story that he is "fit to continue" and will star in what promises to be an action-packed 2 hours of 25 yr-old stuntmen doing everything and Indy having arthritic pain from putting on his trademark fedora. Now don't get me wrong, I love the old Indiana Jones movies as much as I love early 90s pre-teen sitcoms but sometimes old is just old. $100 bucks says they're not going to cast Diane Keaton who at 60 is still 4 yrs. his junior as Indy's love-interest. Okay so I don't have $100 right this second, but I will as soon as my bookie gets back from......uhmm so anyway let's bet!

Do-it yourself diamond mining

Apparently there is a state park down in Arkansas where you can mine your own diamonds. Like hell, you say- the only good diamonds come from bloody dictatorships somewhere in Africa- well you're wrong. The AP is reporting that a man from Wisconsin found a 5.47 carat diamond while visiting Crater of Diamonds State Park in Murfreesboro Arkansas valued at somewhere between 15 and 60K last weekend.[Yahoo] Murfreesboro Arkansas??? I think I'll take my chances finding diamonds in the middle of a bloody civil war in Africa- at least they don't think bible verses set to banjo music is a mark of a raging kegger.

I know the picture has nothing to do with any of this but it's funny and everyone already knows what a diamond looks like and rabbits are lucky, especially if they have nunchuks.

Buddy no longer thinks Charles is in Charge

Another pleasant foray into early 90s pre-teen/teen sitcoms with the cast of Charles in Charge, about the escapades of a family with a college-aged nanny who was a boy! and was also Chachi and also ended up dating one of the family members in real life. Read on to find out which although I suspect you know it wasn't the grandpa.

Scott Baio (Charles) - The lovable and charismatic Charles (also Chachi in Happy Days) is now still cool, if you think being in the same league (read VD clinic) as Tommy Lee and Kid Rock by having been engaged to Pam Anderson twice is cool. His career can pretty much be called over and the line in the sand signaling the end was probably drawn around the time he starred in "SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2."

William Aames (Buddy)-In 2004 starred as the Bibleman in "Bible Man," a Christian video series designed for children ages 3-9. In short, it would seem God is now in charge of Willi.

Nicole Eggert (Jamie Powell)- The "sexy one" of the two Powell girls, Nicole later appeared on Baywatch, dated Charles and pretty much followed his career down the toilet by recently wrapping her new movie "Lightspeed," also starring (appearing?) Lee Majors. I know what you're thinking and I wish I had made this up, because it would've been clever but it's all true.

Josie Davis ( Sara Powell)- The "sweet" one of the Powell girls, Josie Davis co-starred with Mayim Bialik in "Kalamazoo?"!!!!! Isn't the world of early 90s teen tv stars so small? Both Mayim and Josie in one obscure movie about the school where my brother got his very first indecent exposure warning. (see earlier [post] for details)

Subzero not just for freezers anymore

Newsweek, the magazine of hard-hitting political exposes, is reporting on their website that female clothing designers are gearing up to introduce "negative" sizes labeled subzero and 00.[Newsweek] The whole point of the article, besides boring us to death and having an excuse to have lots of glossy pictures, is to say that the only reason the really small sizes are needed is because we are getting so fat that the higher sizes had to be decreased to make us feel better, thereby making the smallest size equal to basically a medium of 20 years ago- which apparently men can't understand because the author dropped the following cutesy paren. into the middle:

"(Note to male readers: If this is all getting too complicated, just ask any female friend or relative to explain.)"

Riiiiiighhht not to stereotype or anything but of the 5 people reading Newsweek, maybe 2 are male and maybe 0 are going to read this article. For those of you who did read it and asked for clarification from your female friends and relatives (sickos), you may as well just go down to the corner sex-change store and get yourself a nice new sex organ because the one you have was accidentally attached to you.

Breaking: It's not abuse if you like it

Foley Update: CNN reported early this morning, or late last night, or during the 9th inning of the Mets game, depending on how you keep time that the priest who Foley accused of molesting him did in fact admit to some "naked back massages," "skinny dipping" and some other unspecified inappropriate behavior which he blamed on taking tranquilizers.[CNN] The priest, speaking from his home on some island in the Mediterranean, also said he didn't really think the whole series of incidents could be considered abuse, because Foley seemed to like it. He entreated the former Congressman to "remember the good times," and to not "keep dwelling on this thing."

So what I'm picking up here is that this priest pretty much thinks that he and Foley were two crazy kids in love and the world just doesn't get it. Keep in mind he said all these things to a reporter, to several reporters actually and repeatedly. And why not? He fondled a kid 40 years ago and now he's living the life of leisure on some island. Clearly God is sending a message.

Me: not fondling little children- work 19 hrs a day and live in 50 sq. ft. apartment with mice problem.

Father Foley-abuser: unabashedly fondling little children - lives in an island home on the Mediterranean.

Hmmmm....what could it be?? Whatever could God be saying here...

Clarissa is knocked up

Continuing on our tour of old pre-teen/teen sitcoms I bring to you Melissa Joan Hart, star of Clarissa Explains it All AND more recently of Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Clarissa was the colorfully clothed and precocious eldest child of the Darling family whose everyday adventures always included some sinister plot against her brother Ferguson. So she isn't exactly like Blossom, because we've seen her since the early nineties, but these shots of her pregnant from last November still made me feel sorry for her having to tell her parents about prom night and the broken condom. So enjoy and don't be mad at me for ruining your next episode of Sabrina.

Kissinger knows Americans understand food

In an article two weeks ago Helen Thomas, legendary White House correspondent and scowler extraordinaire reported that Kissinger had advised Bush to continue the war in Iraq.[ABC-Boston] Which is of course a complete surprise- I had hitherto thought Kissinger was a peacenik with a Prius but apparently I stand corrected. But anyway, not funny comments by me aside, the really juicy part of the article comes in the advice Kissinger supposedly gave Bush:

"Withdrawal of U.S. troops will become like salted peanuts to the American public. The more U.S. troops come home, the more will be demanded,"

It's not clear here if Kissinger just didn't think Bush could understand without the peanuts or if he was trying to make the point that Americans without their food are angry, bitter, riot-prone people. Either way the man is clearly a genius - no wonder he did so well giving advice on Vietnam....

What the hell is this?

It's been a couple hours since I've ripped on CNN but honestly what the hell is that thing in the upper left-hand corner in their headlining picture? The story is about US soldiers being targeted by snippers but I don't see how that relates to the little angry face, penis, genie in a lamp or whatever that is. I'm taking suggestions- seriously. Tell me what it is I need to know.

Blossom is a brain surgeon

As you may have noticed I'm a wee bit enamored by old tv shows. In that spirit I thought I would do a quick internet search and put up some before and after shots of favorite child celebs. This one is Mayim Bialik from "Blossom"(1991-1995) the show about the adorable pre-teen girl and her rapid-mouthed friend living under one roof with dumb brother Joey and middle-aged hunk dad. Apparently, according to UCLA, Mayim is now getting a Ph.d in neuroscience which isn't exactly like brain surgery but it's close enough and makes a funnier title than "Blossom is a doctor of neuroscience." [UCLA] The after pic is from her 2005 movie "Kalamazoo?" which is incidentally a real college and the site of a very embarrassing mooning incident involving my brother and a high-ranking faculty member.

Picasso Peep Hole

Apparently, according to the BBC, billonaire Vegas tycoon Steve Wynn was about to sell the painting above for $139 million when he accidentally put his elbow right through the middle of it creating a hole the "size of a silver dollar" (whatever the hell that is- I'm no billionarie tycoon but my dollars come in paper these days). [BBC] Obviously it's off the market but that's not why I'm putting up this story. The more interesting bit is what Wynn said right after the snafoo occured:

"Look what I've done. Thank goodness it was me."

Right so let's recap- he had $139 million and now he has something to hang over a urinal in the Bellagio that will double as a splash protector and a scribble board for advertising
To(a)mmy's Transvestite Peep show and all he has to say is "look what I've done?" You can bet the day I lose $139 million over my own idotic over-gesticulating I will not calmly laugh at the charming little surprises life brings me. But I guess that's why Steve Wynn is a billionaire and I have $8 in my bank account.

If all else fails, blame a priest

AP has a story this morning about how Foley is ready to divulge the name of the priest who abused him 40 years ago as a part of his "healing process."[AP] I was not aware that Foley needed a healing process. It seems to me that maybe the dozen or so teenage pages he solicited from 1995 on may need a "healing process" but Foley seems pretty damn healed. As a reminder see an excerpt below from a conversation he allegedly had with one of the teenage pages. Here's a hint- he's not talking about how he needs to "heal" unless he misspelled "healing" as "kneeling".

Maf54: do you really do it face down

Teen: ya

Maf54: kneeling

Teen: well i dont use my hand...i use the bed itself

Maf54: where do you unload it

Teen: towel

Maf54: really

Maf54: completely naked?

Teen: well ya

Maf54: very nice

Teen: lol

Maf54: cute butt bouncing in the air

A New Bloggi Bag Tradition

I think every good blogger has a reoccuring segment so I'm thinking of having one called "unwrapped." Yes, it's a slight (read: complete) rip off of that Marc Summers show on the Food Network but with one important twist- it's going to have naked people and not food. I love Marc Summers, and not just because of his idiot grin or his adroit hosting of 'Double Dare' but I think that my idea is better. We'll see how it works out. Okay so I'm kidding- instead of naked people it will have reviews of various crap. Disappointed? Well- sorry I just cannot be searching for naked people on the web at work. I'll try and make up for it by posting links to good reviews. Here are a couple to start:

• Hemingway and Beer ads- Don't see how this could be a loser and the reviewer at Slate agrees. It's a review of a book, but you should check it out anyway. [Slate]
• Jackass II- San Francisco Chronicle reviews Jackass II calling it "the 'Godfather II' of tasteless prank films." [San Francisco Chronicle]
• Hershey wants to be better- Hershey chocolate has apparently recently come out with a new candy called Cacao Reserve which is meant to tap into the "luxury" chocolate market. Candy Blog gives it a "yummy." [Candy Blog]

CNN is embarrassing the country

The picture to the right is of some nanny and under the blanket is the kid from Malawi that Madonna adopted. The picture to the left is of some truck in North Korea and under the covering is a nuclear missile. Guess which one got top billing on CNN? Guess.

(I know what you're thinking if I hate it so much, why do I keep going back? I just can't help it- it's like a horrible accident or an episode of Flavor of Love 2, I can't look away)

Snorting Cracked

So above is the cover of the upcoming holiday issue of Cracked [ Fishbowl] which is admittedly funny, next to to one from 1963 [Wilkpedia]. Uhmm not to imply anything but it would seem as though our sense of humor has changed a bit. In 1963 we used to think making fun of history was fun. Today I bet 9 out of 10 people you survey know the moron who calls himself Mel Gibson and have no idea what you're talking about if you say "liberty bell." Are we getting stupid or are magazines? You decide but here's a hint: Jackass: Number Two.

Mike Tyson is not going to "smash anybody"

Ah, how to go on. I think the picture speaks for itself but apparently CNN has finally published something funny. Irrelevant but still funny. So Mike Tyson is going on some sort of "world tour" involving boxing for fun with proceeds going to charity. And who wouldn't want to box this man for fun? Especially if you're a woman. Because that's who Mike Tyson wants to fight now- for fun. Because he's "not 20 years old" anymore. Oh well- since he's not 20 (40 now) I guess it's fine that he was one of the greatest heavyweights of all time, a onetime prisoner, and a sometime cannibal!!! It's for charity. And fun.

Full article from SI, where MT is quoted as saying he does not want to "smash anybody"

is here: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/more/10/16/tyson.tour.ap/index.html?cnn=yes

Lists, list, lists

Everyone loves lists, I love lists, so here's a morning list.

TOP 5 PLACES TO NEVER GO IN MANHATTAN

5. Midtown. Some of you may think this is extreme since this could potentially cover 1/3 of Manhattan but I'm serious about this. As far as I can tell from down here there's nothing up there but buildings and some people in suits. I don't even know what to make fun of because I never go. So there you have it.

4. St. Marks (8th) between 2nd and 3rd unless you want to go the "BAMN!" and get yourself something fried out of a vending machine or you're looking to meet up with your meth dealer.

3. Century 21 Discount Department Store. Yes, the temptation is real but so are the five million tourists in there who are shopping away their sorrows after visiting the WTC site. Plus downtown is pretty much one giant traffic jam these days so avoid the entire area unless you are into extreme frustration to the point of torture- which maybe some people are, dunno what kind of kinky things people are into these days.

2. Whole Foods in Union Square. Admittedly I only go here after work and on weekends, when everyone else has time too but this place is basically one giant line. Everywhere you stand you could potentially be in a line for something. And the people in line are talking about organic liquid soap and biodefusable tangerines while munching on organic rice paper. Is this your worst nightmare yet?

AND finally.......anticipation is building...

1. Times Square! Everyone knew this was coming but unless you want to see a naked man in cowboy boots under 5 zillion spotlights and a 24hr Footlocker you should steer very very clear.

CNN is moronic: Part II

I don't even know why I go back. To find stuff to post on this site, I suppose. But again the headlining news on CNN is moronic. Here are three of the "top stories."

Lexus parallel parks itself; Benz sees in dark
DJ's career shames family, wins acclaim
Nurse sues over ticket for anti-Bush car sticker

Is it just me or are these stories not even worthy of local news read by a woman in plaid with big hair? It's honestly like I'm reading The Onion or something.

My Super Sweet Idea

If you think this is going to be a post about that whack MTV show where teenagers spend more money than I'll ever have on invitations written on cookie cakes, YOU'RE WRONG. But only partially because it is about how much money I'm going to make and how much cookie cake I'm going to eat when it no longer matters how fat I am because everyone is nice to millionaires. But I digress. Here's my idea- follow closely because I don't want to lose you in the intricacies.

There is a candy bar that sells like hotcakes in a small faraway country I recently visited called "turo rudi." Nevermind what's inside it (it may gross you out) but trust me it's good-I've had it. It's extremely popular and little kids and adults alike eat it like....well, like candy. It contains some kind of unidentifiable milk product and is covered in chocolate. So here's my idea- I'm going to bring it here and market it as a healthy dessert! Get it? It contains milk so it's got to be good for you and everyone likes chocolate!

This page is copyrighted and patented and whatever else it needs to be so don't even think about stealing my brilliant idea. I know some of you are laughing now, but you'll be sorry when I'm rich and fat and you're still poor and fat (from eating all the turo rudi I'm going to sell to you, of course).

The Trouble With CNN

This.
These two headlines are the trouble with CNN.

Bride picks store's hair-dye aisle for wedding

Bill Murray attends student party, does dishes

I'm not even sure I have to go on. How could these two even make it into the CNN repertoire much less be headlines? The first one is a video!! I suppose I should just be glad there are no pet stories today- another CNN favorite. People rescuing their cats, dressing up their dogs, adopting mice roaming around their apartments etc., etc. All right, fine that last one was me.

Parker Lewis Can't Lose - syndication on the new CW wanted

So it's finally cooling down in the city. Everything starts to smell a little less bad and people who should have been doing it all along are finally clothing themselves appropriately. The fall is also a time for nostalgic reflection for me and yesterday I stumbled on an old favorite: "Parker Lewis Can't Lose."

Was this not one of the greatest kid's television shows of all time? Yes, it was a clear rip-off of Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but it was a good one. There were innovative characters, improbable plot lines, a guy with a coat that stored everything from a live gerbil to a tazer gun and a charismatic main character. Although not visible in this picture, this is also the show that had the unforgettable Francis Larry Kubiak (aka the Kub) who was the consummate school bully/emotionally troubled pre-teen with a premature growth spurt. Now they have shows about Billy Ray Cyrus' daughter pretending to be a famous singer and the silly mishaps of twin boys who look troublingly like the Olson twins. What happened in the last decade or so?

The NYTimes Wedding section does it again

I'm sure thousands of pages of ink or computertype or whatever has been spilled on this nytimes gem of a section. I'm not even embarrassed to say that one of the reasons I even started to blog was so I could add my two cents.

So this week's headlining couple is a -gasp- Democrat and a Republican! Yes, yes this is like an older, less-famous version of Mary Matalin and James Carville. The story has all the essentials of an Nytimes wedding section headlining couple:

1) they met when they were young, had some misconnections and met up again in middle age and realized their love for one another (or desperation- you decide)

2) they are seemingly opposites who are, despite the odds, attracted to each other

3) uncomfortable quotes the likes of:
"He’s not a Porsche; he’s a Chevy.”;
“She’s just too logical to stay on that side [Republican].”

4) a not-oft seen discussion of the Iraq war!! (the bride has admitted the approach may not have been right)

and.... my personal favorite

5) a description of how he had to give her an entire floor of his house to store her clothes and "listen to Rush Limbaugh's radio program while getting dressed."

Yes, the Nytimes has done it again and lived up to the reason I love Sundays. (you can find the full article here:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/10/15/fashion/weddings/
15vows.html?ref=weddings)

Would you like a bloggi bag for that avant garde crap?

I spend many nights out on the streets of the trendy East Village ("out" meaning when some idiot pulls the fire alarm at 3Am in my apt. building and I leave); going to celebrity-filled parties (if you think seeing Parker Posey on fifth avenue 5 hours before going to a wedding reception at the University Club counts); living the high-life (soft-serve ice cream for breakfast) and generally living like rest of the world wishes they could live.

Like last night.

Last night was a perfect example of the kind of entertainment that makes NYC the entertainment mecca that attracts the likes of the "Archa Theater." What you ask is the Archa theater? Is this a new NYC trend to replace the wildly successful Mamma Mia? God I hope so. If you're into chubby asian women prancing around to whiny music and a guy in a hardhat mopping Hans Christen Andersen's portrait onto a stage with a janitor's mop then this is your wildest fantasy come true. There were also some people dressed as buildings and the same guy who mopped the same portrait on the side of the buildings using graffiti stencil.
The only reason I knew that it was Hans Chris., by the way, was because
1) it was in the title and 2) they had spent the last 35-40 minutes parading around cardboard cutouts of the guy. I don't even know what this show was supposed to be. It honestly looked like everyone had some inane talent and they wanted to all come to New York so they made up this farce of a show. And of course they guessed correctly that some idiot in New York was going to pretend they "get it" and give them a theater to perform in and print up programs calling them "post-modern". It was just their luck that the idiot happened to be in Tribeca instead of Crowne Heights so 15 people actually came.

This lunacy is still ongoing so if you're into it you should definitely go. I'm going to refrain from giving all the details and leave it up to all of your googling talents to find it but believe me I've given plenty of details to make it a quick find.