The Swiss are precise

The NYTimes is reporting this morning that some Swiss soldiers "invaded" Liechtenstein. Apparently the soliders got lost during the night and inadvertently wandered over the Liechtenstein border, fully armed. [NYTimes] I am not one to scoff at a diplomatic catastrophe, but I have to admit this story is pretty damn ridiculous. If what these Swiss idiots did counts as invasion than I am pretty sure plenty of American soldiers have inadvertently "wandered" across the border to say---Lebanon, or Syria or hmm I don't know Iran. Obviously the New York Times, previously a somewhat reputable newspaper is now attempting to lure the semi-comatose CNN readers who demand hard news on such wide ranging topics as how to clean cat fur off your valour furniture and "Brother-sister couple fight incest law." Just so you know, the brother sister monstrosity is an actual story on CNN today.

Fart sells

Apparently, and this is something I did not know but which I am now very concerned about- farting causes global warming. You know because it emits carbon dioxide, blah, blah, etc. and such. Well you may or may not know that the Kyoto Protocol and similar climate change agreements provide CO2 limits for each country and allow countries who use more than their allotted share to buy "credits" from countries who use less. The idea is that, in the end, you reward countries who use less but also get compliance from countries who refuse to decrease their usage. Well anyhow, the point of all this sciency crap is that some people in Australia thought it a good idea to apply this theory to individuals and buy you carbon credits if you feel like you may be using too many. So say, you eat a nice spicy chilly for lunch and emit, let's say, 10 silent farts during your afternoon conference call in the privacy of your office- well, if you pay these companies $10 per fart or something they promise to keep as much CO2 out of the air as you just farted. Not sure how, but that's not the point. I am not making this up- it was in a fairly reputable place. [Bloomberg]

PS: Not sure why I went with the picture of the new Bond- but he does always look like he's in mid-fart so I thought appropriate.

NBA players are tolerant

Fans, friends and fellow tolerancy experts. As I am sure you have all already heard, John Amaechi, former NBA player has come out and publicly said he is gay, becoming the first NBA player active or retired ever to have publicly admitted as such. Obviously, if this announcement were made in the middle of a WNBA game everyone would just say of course and go back to sleep as another spectacular layup is made by a fast charging player who kind of looks like a girl- or enough to qualify at least. Anyway but it was not- it was made by an NBA player in a sport that pretty much considers Kobe Bryant its hero. Anyway so, among the many unadmirable characteristics of NBA players that have made themselves clear during these last few days in response to Amaechis's revalations is the skill with which NBA players attack the English language. I give you- Shavlik Randolp, former Duke player now with the Sixers who said:

"As long as you don’t bring your gayness on me I’m fine. As far as business-wise, I’m sure I could play with him. But I think it would create a little awkwardness in the locker room"

There you have it. All you gays, keep yuor gayness away from Shevlik because if you don't he might unleash a torrent of words that will make you regret you were born.

NBA players are tolerant

Fans, friends and fellow tolerancy experts. As I am sure you have all already heard, John Amaechi, former NBA player has come out and publicly said he is gay, becoming the first NBA player active or retired ever to have publicly admitted as such. Obviously, if this announcement were made in the middle of a WNBA game everyone would just say of course and go back to sleep as another spectacular layup is made by a fast charging player who kind of looks like a girl- or enough to qualify at least. Anyway but it was not- it was made by an NBA player in a sport that pretty much considers Kobe Bryant its hero. Anyway so, among the many unadmirable characteristics of NBA players that have made themselves clear during these last few days in response to Amaechis's revalations is the skill with which NBA players attack the English language. I give you- Shavlik Randolp, former Duke player now with the Sixers who said:

"As long as you don’t bring your gayness on me I’m fine. As far as business-wise, I’m sure I could play with him. But I think it would create a little awkwardness in the locker room"

There you have it. All you gays, keep yuor gayness away from Shevlik because if you don't he might unleash a torrent of words that will make you regret you were born.

CNN headlines written by 5th grade journalism students

I dare you to make less sense than this headline that was one of the CNN top stories this morning: Oprah, Energizer Bunny on girls' hit list, cops say [CNN] What could this be about you ask? It sounds like someone's lost their IPOD and the cops are sending out APB's with their hit lists in a half-hearted attempt to recover it. But, no no. You will perhaps be surprised to find out that this headline is actually about some high school girls in Tennessee who were arrested for attempted homicide when they made a list of people they would like to kill. Well obviously, they must be serious if they put the energizer bunny on it- wanting to kill such a lovable furry creature surely must require arrest and at least a 2 year stint in juvi. Are you kidding me!?!? What the hell is wrong with CNN. Perhaps you will be surprised to find out, based on the headline that the girls actually wanted to kill real people too, their classmates. So although I understand Oprah and the energizer bunny were on the list, I'm pretty sure the important part here is that they wanted to kill real people too. Well not that Oprah isn't real or anything, but she is rich enough that I'm pretty sure she could avoid being the target of a well-planned assassination by some 13 year-old girl with pinacolada-flavored lip gloss hanging from her neck.

Vacation doesn't suck

So while you were stuck at the airport on your way home to Suburb, Suckage I was here- in that picture. Before you wet yourself with jealousy thinking about your week at home enjoying a refreshing pale yellow drink of eggs, heavy cream and cheap brandy I should remind you that you too could have gone here if you wanted. This year instead of cramming 20,000 pounds of food down all my orifices and calling it relaxation I chose instead to go someplace where the food is actually good, the weather doesn't make me want to kill myself and activities are not limited to daily trips to the foot locker. Anyway, I digress. What I really wanted to say was I'm back, happy new year, martin luther king jr. day, etc and so on and I will post regularly again for those of you who wondered including blogthusiast305 who should know by now not to call my house after dark because my mom is scared and the restraining order is clear. But I guess I am a little flattered so fine you can continue your unauthorized biography of me.

Bush shouldn't shop in France

Subtle- too bad the French don't actually wash their clothes so will never see it. From Reddit. Consider it a holiday gift. Enjoy.

Time hates communists, loves you

So as you have all heard by now, either because you have seen the actual magazine or because you've read the 9000 blogs that made fun of it, Time magazine chose "you" as its person of the year. Well, apparently, "you" were not the winner of the online poll. It was Hugo Chavez, leftist Venezuelan leader, seen above on the right pictured next to another U.S. favorite. While I'm pretty much resigned to the fact that because of this post my blog will be added to the CIA's favorites list, and not because they like my witty insights into modern media and early 90s tv show updates, I thought it was important you knew about this. The Time poll is still up and you can see it here, but to summarize Hugo Chavez got something like 35% of the votes, which was significantly more than anyone else, including - well-- you. So anyway I guess Time decided to just go ahead and ignore public opinion and pick "you" although "you" did nothing but sit on your fat ass, eat Pringles and look at pictures of various exposed celeb private parts all year while Hugo Chavez went about slowly transforming South and Latin America into a seething pot of anti-American, labor union-loving anger. Yeah you just continue spending 3 hours a day selecting your Myspace background pics, Chavez will be busy picking a red scarf to match his hat, but I guess Time couldn't care less because it's what "you" do that really matters.

Newsweek thinks Americans like Jesus more than women

To the left are the covers of Newsweeks from this week for Europe, Asia and Latin America. Above is the cover in the USA. Do you see something different? Do you maybe see that the international editions all have powerful women from each of the three continents on it while the US edition has Jesus? Don't you think that's a little strange? I'm not saying there's a conspiracy, all I'm saying is that Newsweek thinks that continents where women are forced to inject their butts with fat to look more beautiful and continents where geishas are still considered a valid form of entertainment for a business dinner are more progressive than the U.S., where it is apparently a cartoon Jesus that sells magazines. You decide for yourself if that's an insult but Newsweek is pretty sure that if you had a choice between Jesus and a hot successful woman, you'd choose Jesus. By the way, I already decided and I am moving to Africa where I'll start up Newsweek, Africa which is conspicuously missing from their "international editions" and it's going to have Nelson Mandela and/or Angelina Jolie and/or one of her African children on every cover.

Real French people scare Japanese tourists

MSN had a charming article last week that had a certain je ne sai quoi- oh I know, questionable veracity. So anyway MSN is reporting that apparently Japanese tourists have this thing called "paris syndrome" which is basically shock at seeing that the real Paris does not live up to what they imagined it to be.[MSN] It seems Japanese tourists are expecting hospitality, elegance and cleanliness and instead they get smelly pits, smelly pits and berets. Anyway so you laugh, but this actually requires treatment and in past years, tourists have had to be "repatriated" because they were convinced microwaves were attacking them or believed themselves to be Louis XIV (the sunk king). Don't worry, though, apparently a third of all patients recover almost immediately upon repatriation. This all seems very strange to me, Japanese people seem like smart enough people, as a race- they have Sony, samurais and sushi. Yet this article is telling me that they literally go insane upon the realization that Paris is full of smelly French people with a baguette and a cigarette hanging out of both sides of their mouths? I don't buy it. I think the Japanese are faking it and their ultimate goal is to make sure fois gras is outlawed and sushi rules the world! Oh...wait.